Alabaster Ponderings

Recent quotes and words of note:

Vacuity (the state of being vacuous or without contents; vacancy; emptiness, absence of thought or intelligence; inanity; blankness, a time or state of dullness, an empty space; absence or lack of something specified).
Our inescapable narcissism of consciousness (Moore ..which moore I know not)
Humility is stark raving honesty (stark raving ..sounds familiar)
Mystery is spoiled by a word (the short fall of any contemplative blog).

Legacy ..so much to say. So many questions. So few answers. This shall be a blog unto itself but know that I begin with the premise that the topic pricks my irritable nature. Until then leading questions to ponder:

What is the nature of legacy? Of what legacy should I embrace and pursue: Country, God, Church, Family, mine ..and what does it mean to do so?
What is a biblical view of legacy
I hear a lot of Christian speakers talk of legacy? Why does it irritate me?
What is individual vs corporate legacy?
Can I participate in another persons pursuit of their legacy? Others seem to think so.
As I think of historical Christian figures ..I wonder if leaving a legacy was part of their thinking? Mother Teresa, C.S Lewis, Billy Graham …etc.

I’ve discussed the topic recently with small group, family (wife and sons)… similar questions seem to be shared. More research. More pondering.

Wounded Healer. “Physician draw back”. The words of an angel as he stepped in to block the way of a physician who sought healing from his melancholy at the pool of bethsada…with further dialogue: “Without your wounds, where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women.” (The Angel That Troubled The Waters” based on John 5:1-4..as read in Abbas Child).

Prayers of Blessing: Brother (not from my home church) who targeted me at a coffee shop, sat down and started in with church platitudes and talk of ministries, men’s retreats and other religious rhetorical foofoo. Ending with an unrequested prayerful blessing – that went on for 4 or 5 minutes. In the past I would have responded wholeheartedly with my own litany of religious platitudes and then patted both of us on the back for our mutual hearty pursuit of the kingdom. Now, I find the conversation vacuous. I subsequently wrote these words in my journal:

“I grow weary of the political and religious rhetorical noise, so deft of love and hope. Throw out the score card and the meaningless platitudes. Let us simply and actually just do love (imperfect as it may be) in living life together ..and shut the (*&#?!) up.”

I would rather give and receive the prayers below than an intended blessing with religious feel good or ‘step it up’ platitudes.

May all your expectations be frustrated, may all your plans be thwarted, may all your desires be withered into nothingness. that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God who is father, son and spirit.
Today on planet earth, may you experience the wonder and beauty of yourself as Abbas child and temple of the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ our Lord.

(Brennan Manning quoting his spiritual director Larry Hien. Abba’s Child, Kindle location 121 and 117).

Developing theme:The love of God now. Not tomorrow. Not only when I am behaving better, experiencing better health, eating better, sinning less or feeling accomplished (real or perceived). ..but now.. damn it! right now! Jesus does not withhold his love until I quit swearing, stop smoking, successfully hold to a diet or miraculous love my teens with patience, wisdom and understanding.

His love is not increased or decreased when I move forward with a mission trip, a volunteer engagement or start a bible study. His love is not conditional. I must quit assigning my view of myself to Him.

He can turn my sin into good. He can use my weakness for good ..even in the moment of my weaknesses? This is piercing.

Returning to the prayer above:

Today on planet earth, may you experience the wonder and beauty of yourself as Abbas child and temple of the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I admit that I when I read this the first time I was at my latest low point of self-condemnation and as such my first thought was a passionate, “NO! ..this is too much. I simply cannot (and will not!) experience the wonder and beauty of myself as Abbas child”. The shock of my response pierced my consciousness. The statement is the core of the gospel – yet I could not in the moment accept it. Caution: I have found that many brothers and sisters upon hearing from me this type of “I need to accept God’s grace” proclamation – will readily agree that I need to accept grace – yet misunderstand that accepting grace is not disavowing the depth of (nor propensity for) my sin. Acknowledgement of both – in the moment – is necessary. In fact, grace cannot be realized without fully acknowledging the other… accepting forgiveness not withstanding. Poverty of spirit.

The harshness of my response has been churning within. There is a broader discussion at work in me on how self-condemnation is directly proportional to perception and action toward God and others. I am not ready to elaborate on this at present. Churning continues.

His words_I’ve read_ of late: And continue to do so.