Nomadiac!

I have not blogged for some time. In part simply because I have been very  busy – but also in part because my soul has been churning in silence. … I think that’s ok.

I am in the process of a new adventure. I have taken a new role that will have me traveling to the midwest monthly for the foreseeable future. Following is an excerpt from a note I sent to my home group.  It reflects some ponderings as I move into this adventure.

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Hey beloved messy group:

Thought I would share some ponderings and prayers to give you a glimpse of my journey.

I am on a 30 day trip then home for only a week and back again…and then home for 2 weeks over Christmas.  Not quite sure what I’ve stepped into. Yet I am committed to seeing where it all leads. 

I spent the last week in Washington at a client meeting. Also had a chance to see my family and some friends over the weekend. Mom was happy to see me :).  I am back in Indiana as of last night.

I do believe God has me here for a reason. I think you have all heard my ‘move to the inner city for Jesus’ speak over the years. It has not escaped me that – here I sit in a rundown part of the Midwest. I’m already looking for direction on an apartment or house. I can elect to stay at the Hampton for the duration but I do not think that is what I should do. I asked God to lead me to His ‘house church’ today. ..literally praying for a place where people could meet – with ample parking!  Admittedly I hesitate to share that – because I don’t want to be just blowing smoke :).

I’m not really sure where I’ll end up. ..perhaps leasing an apartment in a gated community?  May God help me!

Please join me in asking that my time here honors Christ. I want to be poured out. Three weeks a month away from my family is a sacrifice I am willing to make – for the kingdom but not for self.  I am not here for pleasure. I want a joyful heart while I am here but I want to be poured out for the cross while on the journey.

There is so much that does not make sense. I still expect any second for the client to wake up and realize they have made a mistake. I have yet to feel like I am providing any value. Part of me feels that Jesus has me here for His purposes ..so much so ..they he has the job completely in hand. The job is perhaps Christ means for a tent making opportunity to bring me to the mission…even if I turn out to be a maker of ..relatively lousy leaking tents. Excellence is desired regardless ..of course.

Words are not enough. I’ve had a lifetime of words. It is time to be poured out. Please join me in my prayer …”Fill me up and pour me out”. If any prayer of mine is to be answered let it be this. Words said from the voice of a pouring-out-soul will resonate with holy armor-piercing harmony. May I  be silent until it is so! 

I do believe that ‘the mission’ is in play every second of everyday. ..in every conversation…in every temptation thwarted ..in every prayer prayed ..in every repentance confessed. .in every word of thanks given in praise …in every moment of His forgiveness and Grace embraced.

 Whether I am here for 1 more week, a year or decade – I want it to matter for the kingdom. I do not want this desire to just be words. Please pray that I will be filled and poured out.  Pray for spiritual protection and Holiness. Pray for humility and thirst for Him. Pray for boldness. Pray that the presence of Christ would pour out from my life. I do not see that…but I desire it.

 I have made initial contact with a pastor here in Hammond. No idea if that will lead somewhere. I wonder? …. perhaps God has brought me here to support him? I do know that I come as wounded healer … one who needs to be part of giving but also of receiving in community. I am not Paul the apostle …I am rather more the limping broken down nomadic wannabe prophet … whispering the name of Jesus as I walk. …’Jesus Son of the living God have mercy on me a sinner’.  

 It’s one day at a time as yet. I question my own qualifications to do what has been asked of me. I worry of not being diligent.  I think it may end imminently. It may. Regardless, my desire is to be Christ and be made holy in every second ..no matter how long this season may or may not last. 

Please pray for diligence, faith, perseverance – extreme radical knees on the ground obedience. I must be made holy. I most know Him more. Perhaps I am only here for a short season. Perhaps it will be a quickening season to prepare me for something else. It may be difficult …it may be joyful …perhaps both. But I want it. I want full brokenness and full filling and full pouring. I ask for it. I do not see it yet  …but I plead with Christ for it.

I ask Christ to hold up my family. I truly believe that He will work His transforming power through my family – as I am obedient to His calling. I ask that Christ would use this to bring my sons closer to Him. Pray for my faithful obedience… I must be faithful.

Even as I sit here – fear of failure threatens. But I know that Christ can be glorified even in my failure. Success is not my prayer. Obedience and quickening and pouring out to others – in the midst of every circumstance – is. I want to Love well  … as I never have before.  That seems an impossible prayer. Imagine an answer to that prayer. How glorious that would be!  My soul glows … just thinking about it.

I would like to end this journey and come home as a saint who cannot be stilled ..who cannot be stopped from uttering and living the love of Christ in every crevice and corner of my life. Unashamed and boldly proclaiming His name in every thought, word and action.  I am not yet that person. That is the sifting I desire. It is my prayer.

I think I have shared that I have a broken piece of a clay pot I carry with me and put on the nightstand in my hotel. On one side I have written ‘FTFR’ with the words “Make me Holy Lord ..whatever the cost”. One the other side it says ”I have but one passion – it is Jesus and Jesus only. Lord I surrender to whatever is needed to make this true.”   Truly -these are words of desire but not yet reality.  I fear hypocrisy in that as well. 

I came back to the hotel one day last week and found my bible and this piece of broken clay pot laid neatly on a white towel next to my bed. I wonder what the housekeeping person was thinking as they put it there?

 Press on messy brethren peeps,

Nomadiac Brother Ted

 ….I must know Him more. …I must. Nothing else matters. My fingers shake as I prayerfully type these words …Oh may Jesus answer my prayer.

Note:  FTFR: pardon the crassness but this is ..’Finish The Freaken Race.’). There is a story behind this as well ..as you would imagine :).