I have taken up two pursuits with more frequency of late: Smoking cigars and inhaling grace. The latter being more perpetual … in desire.  Enjoying either seems essential to the experience.

Following are a few quotes on Cigars and grace from tidbits of reading of two sojourners ..Charles Spurgeon and Brennan Manning. I would love to enjoy a cigar with both.

At some juncture I realize that the only thing I know I can do is receive His grace. I am currently making effort in prayer to acknowledging the receipt of His grace. It does seem at present that is often all I am able to muster spiritually.  Perhaps there is a renewing foundation in doing so. I hope for that. On that of late I frequently ponder as I enjoy a cigar and stroll with the dog.

Ted

———–

“Because salvation is by grace through faith, I believe that among the countless number of people standing in front of the throne and in front of the Lamb, dressed in white robes and holding palms in their hands (see Revelation 7:9), I shall see the prostitute from the Kit-Kat Ranch in Carson City, Nevada, who tearfully told me that she could find no other employment to support her two-year-old son. I shall see the woman who had an abortion and is haunted by guilt and remorse but did the best she could faced with grueling alternatives; the businessman besieged with debt who sold his integrity in a series of desperate transactions; the insecure clergyman addicted to being liked, who never challenged his people from the pulpit and longed for unconditional love; the sexually abused teen molested by his father and now selling his body on the street, who, as he falls asleep each night after his last ‘trick’, whispers the name of the unknown God he learned about in Sunday school.

‘But how?’ we ask.

Then the voice says, ‘They have washed their robes and have made them white in the blood of the Lamb.’

There they are. There *we* are – the multitude who so wanted to be faithful, who at times got defeated, soiled by life, and bested by trials, wearing the bloodied garments of life’s tribulations, but through it all clung to faith.

My friends, if this is not good news to you, you have never understood the gospel of grace.”
― Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out

“When I have found intense pain relieved, a weary brain soothed,and calm refreshing sleep obtained by a cigar, I have felt grateful to God, and have blessed His name”.

— Charles Spurgeon

I have not written for sometime. Distractions have been high and words have seemed all but dry. My spirit churns but even now I am leary of too many words.

I have been in Seattle for 11 days to be near my family and father as his life winds down. It is not a pleasant ending to observe. I’m sure it is not one to experience.

At this point he cannot be given food or drink. He is limited to ice chips. Although the medications are affecting him … his mind is still alert.  He clearly is very thirsty and does ‘sneak’ a sip from the ice chip cup when the nurses are not watching. 

Last night my sister Liz and I went back for a late visit. As we sat in the dark quiet room feeding ice chips to Daddy… he suddenly broke out struggling to sing the chorus to the song below.  I had never heard the song and did not quite get it until Liz played the song on her ipod this morning as we shared a cup of coffee. I did not expect to hear words from my father that would pierce my soul … ‘Tonight we pray for water, Cool water. And ‘way up there He’ll hear our pray’r And show us where there’s water, Cool, clear water.’…. and you?

Cool Water

(Bob Nolan)

All day I’ve faced a barren waste 

Without the taste of water, cool water.

Old Dan and I with throats burnt dry

And souls that cry for water,

Cool, clear water.

Keep a-movin’, Dan, don’t you listen to him, Dan,

He’s a devil not a man

And he spreads the burning sand with water,

Cool water.

Dan, can you see that big green tree

Where the water’s running free

And it’s waiting there for me

And you?

The nights are cool and I’m a fool,

Each star’s a pool of water, cool water.

But with the dawn I’ll wake and yawn

And carry on to water,

Cool, clear water.

Keep a-movin’, Dan, don’t you listen to him, Dan,

He’s a devil not a man

And he spreads the burning sand with water,

Cool water.

Dan, can you see that big green tree

Where the water’s running free

And it’s waiting there for me

And you?

The shadows sway and seem to say,

“Tonight we pray for water,

Cool water.”

And ‘way up there He’ll hear our pray’r

And show us where there’s water,

Cool, clear water.

Keep a-movin’, Dan, don’t you listen to him, Dan,

He’s a devil not a man

And he spreads the burning sand with water,

Cool water.

Dan, can you see that big green tree

Where the water’s running free

And it’s waiting there for me

And you?

Dan’s feet are sore, he’s yearning for

Just one thing more than water,

Cool water.

Like me, I guess, he’d like to rest

Where there’s no quest for water,

Cool, clear water.

Keep a-movin’, Dan, don’t you listen to him, Dan,

He’s a devil not a man

And he spreads the burning sand with water,

Cool water.

Dan, can you see that big green tree

Where the water’s running free

And it’s waiting there for me

And you?

Intellectual Senility:

I read the quote below from author Alan Hirsch Facebook posting. It’s another one of those, “I’m not sure I want to hear that” statements.  None of us want to admit that we “…would rather be faithful to outworn views than to undergo the strain of re-examination and revision.”  Doing so is a strain. I can testify to that.

We certainly do not want to realize that we would .. and so most of us won’t. But if you do pause – you can see it.   My guess is that most cannot even go there. Excuses and denial will abound. Even if you think you are an intellectual and academic learner ..your thinking gets stuck in old paradigms that may have little or nothing to do with core truths believed. Perhaps more so if you are an intellectual and academic. We are even prone to drive change in such a way that we can assure we preserve ‘the good status quo’ rather than ever questioning the status quo – or seeking divine guidance on what we should be doing instead of preserving the status quo.  Leaving a legacy can become an idol. I’m guessing most will not agree with me on that.

And yes I am talking of ‘the church’ but also of life ..faith accoutrements (not truths) ..home.. work… living in general.

“Most people think only once in their lives, usually when they are at college. After that, their minds are made up, and their decisions, utterances are endless repetition of views that have in the meantime become obsolete, outworn, unsound. This applies to politics, scholarship, the arts as well as social service. Views, just as leaves, are bound to whither, because the world is in flux. But so …many of us would rather be faithful to outworn views that to undergo the strain of re-examination and revision. Indeed, intellectual senility sets in long before physical infirmity. A human being must be valued by how many times he is able to see the world from a new perspective. ” -Abraham Heschel, Moral Grandeur and Spiritual Audacity, 20 (quoted by Ted ..from Alan Hirsch Facebook posting).

Disturbed in an intense and extended fashion  & Chaos Theory

I recently read an Alan Hirsch book, the Forgotten Ways.  It was a slow deep read for me. After chapter two I skipped to the back to read the addendum on “chaos theory” which includes an elementary Alan retranslated view on living systems theory , cybernetics and my personal favorite – the theory of requisite variety:

The survival of any organism depends on its capacity to cultivate (not just tolerate) variety in its internal structure. Failure to do so results in an inability to cope successfully with ‘variety’ when it is introduced from an external source”.  ….and the kicker I really love… “if adaptive intention and capacity are required, the organization must be disturbed in an intense and extended fashion if leaders are to break the stifling equilibrium that has overwhelmed it.”

“Disturbed in an intense and extended fashion”. I resemble that remark. Honestly this really grabbed me. It makes sense. I think it’s true. But it leaves me asking what this means for my personal and community life on all venues.  In some ways my life reeks of equilibrium.  On the other hand it makes me appreciate (kind of) the chaos of my current work, church … and life situation.  Did I really just write that?

I doubt that anyone can read Alan’s stuff and agree with it all but I also don’t think you can read it and not have some foundational thinking shaken up.  It is a healthy read in that sense alone. Here is the part that drove it home:

 “…what Western Christianity desperately needs at the moment is adaptive leadership – people who can help us transition to a different, more agile, mode of church. Such leaders don’t necessarily have to be highly creative innovators themselves, but rather people who can move the church into adaptive modes—people who can disturb the stifling equilibrium and create the conditions for change and innovation. By and large, many leaders in church organizations, particularly those with strong caring and teaching gifts, can exhibit a tendency to avoid conflict and too easily soothe tensions. Left unchecked, this can be lethal, because it caters to equilibrium and therefore ultimately to death”   AND “…. That is the task of leadership to create the conditions that foster imagination, initiative, and creativity. … If we wish to activate genuine innovation in the organizations we serve we need to descend into the unknown, disregard the proven cause-and-effect formulas, and defy the odds…” 

“…God never intended his leaders to be people with all the answers and all the vision. Rather, our role is to help God’s people discover the answers for themselves through the activity of leaders who awaken their imagination and stimulate a search. Our task is not to control, but under the guidance of the Holy Spirit try to both harness and effect the flow. We move from being managers to being servants or, even more specifically, cultivators of fields or environments wherein certain behaviors or activities take place.”   [emphasis is all mine!]

Psalm 107_ Lovingkindness

I’ve been reading Psalm 107 over and over again. I am writing it out word for word in my journal with intent to memorize it. It brings some of this discussion into harsh but good reality.

Dealing with my fathers rapidly declining life is bringing an element of new perspective. My family is gathering in Seattle even as I write this. I leave in a few days. I am not close to my father. I never have been.

It is a strange thing. Things take on a different look in these situations. The words I hear from my father are clearly sincere. I hesitantly admit that for the first time I see Christ in him. The words from my dad have been there for as long as I can remember but – in my mind – the life said otherwise. I fear this is as wrongfully judgemental as it sounds. I do not now realize I have been mistaken about my questioning of His life lived. Rather, I now realize a different perspective from my own viewpoint of 51 years lived – most of it as a professing Christian. I see Christ in what is I hear in way the words are now said. There is a yearning to give that I now recognize. It is a yearning expressed from awareness of Jesus against the backdrop of a life …that has not been all we each as believers know it should have been.  I know that voice. I hear it in my own heart everyday.

I find myself looking differently on things.  I have over the years been angry at my dad.  But at this point in my life with my own increasing awareness of my own short comings as father, son, son-in-law, husband, brother, friend, brother-in-law, stranger, worker, citizen – I slowly begin to want to be less judgemental of others.

It is a strange thing. Dealing with the thoughts that churn when faced with loosing a loved one … where love was not well exchanged… but is now wanting to be sincere and mutual. I cannot explain that. It frustrates me as I think of it.  Back to Psalm 107.

Yet in this journey I now find as I look beyond my father that there is a part of me that is also less willing to let what is not right prevail in me and in those I am living life amongst. These seem to be opposed. I think they are not. Conflict is required. More specifically, loving conflict is required. It takes a broader perspective and new willingness to let go of my own desires but also a commitment to persevere. It requires that I sincerely hear others from their perspective without demand or judgement. It requires that I risk the potential outcome of speaking out. I risk that demand and judgement will be reciprocated back on me. And yes – I risk being wrong … and everything in between.

The fear now is less about the response (of loving conflict) than realizing the potential of my own demand, accusation and judgement – when conflict is engaged. I am not speaking of my father here. There is a time when loving conflict is mute and only love is left.  But I think relationships would be better to the end – if we could learn loving conflict sooner.

I want to love people in the midst of my weakness and theirs. Theres the rub – isn’t it?  This is really what it requires. I currently suck at it. ..but it is why at my very core I believe in the divine value of every living soul. He is not willing that any should perish. He was not willing that I should perish.

LIfe has come up short. Sometimes the shortness really ticks me off. There is grace of course…but sometimes I just want to be a better person – right now. I want to have accomplished more, done better with what I was given and be doing more now.  I want to want to love others well.

It is a work in process. Hope is lost in the moments I cannot embrace that.  I know what it is to perpetually fight a shroud of hopelessness. Born of flesh, self-centered and untrue it may be but it is a heavy enveloping burden.  It is a terror. I hate it so. It must be confronted and not soothed.  It must be churned. It must be felt to be destroyed.

..the links in this discourse may not be clear to any unlikely reader. But they are there.

Psalm 107. Consider the lovingkindness of the Lord….over and over again. Never give up.

Disturbed in an intense and extended fashion. I am so glad for it. 

Ted

Mania Spectrum Week ..day… hour … second.

high, low, high, low. Too much sugar and caffiene. It exaggerates the spikes.

The dog and I need a long walk tonight.  Nature center wind down.

So looking forward to traveling into the family whirlwind for ‘the gathering’.  It will be special.

I spoke to my dad on the phone just now. By our terms it was a long call – 30 minutes or so.  I thought I would capture his advice on gardening.  He is the master of the garden. He said his favorite vegetables to plant are tomatoes followed by potatoes, corn, cucumbers, zucchini, broccoli, squash and of course pumpkins.   Carrots were in there somewhere I think.

Advice for vegetable to plant in Alaska as follows:

Tomatoes: Try to use Glacier, Fantastic and Sweet fantastic. He suggested planting different kinds in groups of two. Best if planted up against a wall as this would provide more warmth.  Plant in 2 foot deep x 2 foot wide hole. Mix top soil with peat moss (approx 50/50). Include organic fertilizer (1/2 hand full). Evidently peat moss holds the water. Expect about 4 weeks to full maturity (by Vashon standards in any case).  Potatoes: Butterball and Yukon Gold. Best if purchased as seedlings.

He told me he wanted to give me his carrot seeds as he had just purchased them and did not want them to go to waste. Daddy said he wished he were here to help me plant. It seemed to be said in sincere earnest. He has talked of visiting my home for the last 18 years. Perhaps I never sincerely invited him.

It was a surreal conversation interrupted several times as he asked the nurse for more morphine.  He was moved into hospice care last week.  He said he is looking forward to what is to come – certainly as compared to what is.  He said he loves all 5 of us (kids) equally. ..several times.  He spoke of gardens and memorials.

I do kind of feel like planting…. glacier tomatoes and butter ball potatoes.

Brief thoughts before the work week begins in full.

It is supposed to be warm all week long. These are the hardest times to stay focused in the office!

Weekend: 

I met Boyd. My neighbors son-in-law. I simply noticed that he needed an extra pair of eyes backing his trailer. So glad I did.

Fathers day. Renee and  the boys honored me ..which included letting me take some walks alone.

I was able to take a walk at the Nature center on both Saturday and Sunday. I am always amazed that I can drive 15 minutes from home and be in such beauty.  I caught myself ..praying through some angst ..beginning to ask God for a word to assure me of his presence.. then paused as I realized the majesty I was looking at and repented.  Open your eyes before you ask for a sign!

Spoke to #1 Son from Seattle. He called me.

Renee. Always amazed at her razzle dazzle. She is a marathon runner.

Life_People: We are not easy to live with and amongst  ..we people. I being my ever present best example of that.  Difficult weekend in that regard.

World: Greece, Spain (Europe), Syria. It is hard to relate to that which we only hear of and yet wonder also what our role should be.

Sabbatical:  I am considering a sabbatical from  _ box church (I am as tired of hearing about that as my vast blogging audience 🙂 ).   Pastors take sabbaticals ..why not parishioners? My thought is to truly stay away from the box for at least 3 months including if at all possible …any specific discussions about any specific boxes. I simply want to turn my eyes, thoughts,  ..and indeed struggles .. elsewhere.  Too much energy focused internally. It all seems kind of silly sometimes. Such pointless distractions. It seems self-adsorbing which is the opposite of what it should be. I need to break free and get out.  With any devine luck the sabbatical may turn into a life style (living church outside the box).  My hope is that I would develop a better eye and shorter response time for responding to others needs. Needs that I can readily help with which may be (and I think most often are) as simple as helping the neighbor back his trailer.

Lord ..I ask for dedication and hard work ..in my work this week. I need to stay focused. I need some serious production!

Introduction

I have been churning the idea of writing an article with this title for at least a year or more.  I have attempted to write something on it several times but to no avail. Yet I can’t get it out of my head.  At this juncture I am simply going to start this thread in blog post to try and get the concept down and perhaps continue to write on it.  

In reality, while this blog is open to the Internet, I do not think anyone actually reads it. As such, this writing effort will probably only serve to help me work through my churning.  That is perfectly ok.  I have learned that God speaks to me as I journal, particularly as I journal through struggles.

This is a long sordid tale. I think it would bore just about anyone to death.  If anyone does attempt to read it … doing so may assure that they never read a post on my blog again. But I only risk the limited audience I don’t have.

With this posting I will first attempt to explain the general topic and the reason behind my relatively absurd title.  Even that is a bit of long story. As intended, I will add more fodder in subsequent posts as my churnings continue. We shall see.

The Topic_ Box Church

The topic is church – specifically; box church. By box church I mean what we in North America almost always refer to as ‘church’.  The building we go to on Sundays.  In the readings I’ve delved into and in my own life context, box church is also referred to as legacy church, traditional church or institutional church.   For purposes of my discussion I will narrow it down to Evangelical Christian box church.  In effect, I am referring to an organized church that in general has doctrinal beliefs that I, as a committed born again evangelical Christian, would agree with.  It is not my intent here to explain what those doctrinal beliefs are other than simply summarizing them as – Jesus is Lord.   I must also clearly state that I believe in the Church as the bride of Christ.   Jesus is the Church. You and I are the Church. I love the Church. The church is the hope of the world.

I have attended box churches all of my life and I now attend a really good box church of about 700 people. It is the best box church I have ever been involved with. I have been there for over 13 years. My kids have grown up in this church. I and my family have been significantly involved in the church. I have taught classes and served in leadership.  I have gone through life struggles and been loved by this body through those struggles. This body of believers has been part of Christ transforming me and still is.  The transformation is clearly still in process. This box church has active ministries that extend locally and globally. This box church body gives generously and seeks to serve the community. There has never been any scandal in this church.  

This all sounds really good. But now my conversation gets problematic.  I have issues. I am in a pickle with life in the box church.  I struggle with it. My struggle seems to be increasing. I am convinced that my struggles are not due to the type or specific box church I attend.  My struggles are I believe reflective of a deeper internal spiritual churning that the Holy Spirit is working in me.  I do have a growing inclination that my struggle is associated with a growing awareness of a transformation of “Church” that is occurring across the globe.  In my ignorance I might call this a global revival. Yet that does not capture it fully. I will try to harness this more as I write.  Beyond this, I suspect I may be in a current pinnacle within the midst of a personal Holy transformation.  I certainly hope so.  This of course always includes a journey in being broken and will never be safe or comfortable.

 I know not the outcome, yet I welcome the battle knowing God is at work in me. I do pray for earnestly and trust in the lord to protect those I live in fellowship with.  It is my great hope that this journey glorifies Him and somehow leads to an outcome of my life loving and servings others more.  At this juncture I know not how. 

The Dilemma, The Question(s) & The Premises

Here is where the language gets very difficult to communicate and becomes – kind of harsh.   I have thus far not found the narrative to describe the churning in my heart.  As such for today’s posting purposes I have simply assembled the following list of ‘dilemma  titles’ as a means to try and convey the ‘theme of my dilemma’.  If I were a preacher perhaps I would preach the following as sermons.  But alas I am only a blogger.

In later postings I will try to bring more context to this section – as herein lays the core of the discussion.

• Face the facts:  The fastest growing segment of Christians in the United States today – are those who do not attend any church.  At least recognized it and ask why?
• Spectator Christianity.   
• WHOAMI (who am I)
• Forward Facing Hour
• What’s wrong with the back row?
• The role of the mature Christian:  Give, Serve, Attend and you’re in.  Really?
• Forced Labor.  I plan you serve.
• Holy Revealation:  I’ve been institutionalized
• The Great Escape (from Church)
• Full Capacity_ It’s time to pour.
• Where in the World  … is the Church?
• Box Church vs Country Club. Is there a difference?
• Disqualified: Acceptable Conservative Christian Behavior. 
• Priesthood of believers.  Where’d they go?
• Upside Down Church:  Small group = church, Big Group = Sunday service.
• Reverse Polarity  =>  Send 
• Sunday Suction
• Sermon free America!
• Kidnapped Leadership
• The GAP:  Paid professional vs ordinary believer
• Holy Equalizer: Jesus
• An Army of Ordinary People
• Missing In Action:  APEST (Apostle, Prophet, Evangelist, Shepherd, Teacher).   
• Lactose Intolerant.
• Zombie
• The cure for depression:  Spend every waking second of your life doing something for somebody else. Even if you don’t think it’s possible … you have to admit it would cure for 99%.
• Third places. Not home. Not work (and not Church!)
• Demanding a King.  Our addiction and total surrender to being led by someone.
• Honey, I shrunk the hierarchy.   
• Holy Impotence:   No healing. No miracles.
• Last Heat_ Dead in the water
• Camping in the World_ A Sabbatical from Church
• The Apostles Last Missionary Journey
• Global Climate Change:  revival
• Big A, Little a:  Today’s Apostles
• Capitulated Vision:  I see what you tell me to see … because I trust you.
• Young Frankenstein:  Walk this way … Pray this way. 
• Marathon Volunteer_Rule #1: DO NOT GET BETWEEN THE RUNNERS AND THE WATER
• Mythbuster:  Loving Conflict. 
• Simon, Do you love me?
• Shackled Innovation
• Holy Curiosity_ earnestly seeking Christ in others.  Everyone? Really?
• Tattoos for Jesus
• Closed Doors:  Church is in session
• Drones in the pew.  Ohmmm.
• Box Manufacturing
• Institutional Blinders. 
• Lead, follow – AND – get out of the way.
• Two faced missional mindedness:  Indigenous leadership…but only for the mission churches.
• Seminarian _ Can’t live with em can’t live without em
• The Wisdom of Pooh: TTFN
• Obese Chickens in An Incubator.      That’s what I’m talken about.

 Why The Title: Obese Chickens in an Incubator

If you (hello you..) have gotten this far you are probably in a bit of shock (did he really write that?). Let me shock you just a tad more by describing the path to my absurd blog title.

Obesity.  We don’t like the word obesity. I certainly do not. No one wants to read about it. No one wants to be obese, think their obese, be called obese and certainly not medically diagnosed as obese.  Are you uncomfortable yet?  It is really an uncomfortable topic.  Yet it’s key to my train of thought in this tale of Box Church dilemmas.  It is key to my perspective.

I know what it is to be obese. I know what it is to be full and to continue to eat. I know what it is to be so addicted to eating that the ‘off switch’ is completely broken.  I know what it feels like to be limited and constrained by my own addictions.  I know the feeling of thinking I am incapable of change. It destroys hope. I also know what it is to be so broken and desperate that I took radical action to fix the broken ‘off trigger’ and attempt to return to, regain and experience anew – some sense of normalcy.  I had weight loss surgery in 2006.   I lost over 150 lbs. Over 6 years later I have not kept it all off and must fight the battle over and over again. But I am in comparison to where I was – relatively healthy.  I have to a great extent experienced a renewed life and have been given a new lease on life.  Life is not problem free. I am not completly addiction free. But I have no regrets in the action I took.  However, it is not my intent to tell that part of my life story in detail here.  But it is this part of my story that puts the theme of this posting in the context of my perspective – and in part explains my title.  It gives me a very unique perspective on – box church.  I know what it is to be obese…yet comfortable whilst eating my way into oblivion.  Are you squirming yet?

I must add one more thing to this part of my story.  In the months before and after the surgery I was required to attend a support group with others who were headed down the same path. This was a good exercise and is of course an approach common to many addiction recovery programs.  I recall one aspect in particular. It was not uncommon for each person to introduce themselves and explain why they were there.  As I recall, it seemed like a lot of people would explain their ‘obesity’ as being due to an assortment of external causes; diabetes, over active thyroid, or other external factors. I’m not questioning their sincerity, but in my case I had no doubt what the root cause was and I stated is as such, “I eat too much and I can’t seem to stop”.  Cleary we could psycho analyze why this turned into an uncontrollable addiction but I never had any doubt what the root cause was – overeating. 

What does this have to do with Box Church? Bear with me. I’m getting there. I give you fair warning; If you are a box church person you won’t like it.  It is horrifyingly accusatory.

Chickens and Incubators:

The origins of this part of my title is simple.  You know how some memories stay with you so vividly? Sometimes even really silly obscure memories? When I was young my older brother made an incubator out of plywood.  I can still picture this incubator down to the last detail.  I can remember the sound of the light switch pull chord. I think I was fascinated with the box. I remember the incubator was very simple.  A plywood box with a hinged door and hot lights on the inside.  The door mostly consisted of  glass surround by a wood frame – to allow viewing of the eggs and then hatched chics.  My brother put several chicken eggs in the box and let it do it’s thing.  He provided the environment for chics to hatch – and they did. Once hatched my brother provided food and water for the chics to grow. It was really cool but it was really simple. 

What I do not remember is also kind of striking. I do not remember any full grown chickens.  We lived in the city suburbs not on a farm. We did not keep the chickens and they certainly did not stay in the incubator until they were full grown.   They were nurtured only as long as they needed to be and then finished growing in some chicken yard somewhere else (I guess). The analogy falls apart of course if we go much further  …. cutting off their heads and eating them. But here is the visual that for some strange reason stuck in my brain: What if the chickens had never been released from the incubator and we had just kept feeding them.  Looking through the glass window you would see Obese Chickens in an Incubator.   A big fat chicken pressed up against the glass. It would be horrible of course. It would not make any sense. Any eggs or chics would be smothered and crushed by the big obese chickens.  It would be wrong to keep feeding chickens, to put more eggs in the incubator and not to move the growing chics out into the challenge of the living in the world.

That is my analogy to the box church. Pretty horrifying is it not?  This is where I am at. We …you and I fellow Christians are in danger of being Obese Chickens in an Incubator.  We feast on chicken feed (milk) perpetually.  Sunday after Sunday we come back and nibble away at our comfort food because it feels good.  We eat and eat and eat.  We must have our comfort food.

Let the horror of it sink in and then let it chase us into the streets. I would rather be an obese chicken trying to cross a busy highway than stay one more day in the confines and comfort of the incubator. Better to die trying to live than to die feasting on another (all be it savory) comfort meal.  

It gets worse. What if you and I are guilty of feeding the frenzy?  We lock the doors and keep the obese chickens in ..and keep on feeding them!  We let it go on. We expect it. We expect to be fed week after week. In fact we demand it, we fund it and we gorge ourselves in the process.

It is sickening.  We need to open our eyes and get out of the incubator!

If anyone has read this I must caution you –  I have not even begun to described the churning of my soul.

Frogger Ted

Hey Lord. Mayday, Mayday, Mayday.

Please shape me, mold me and use me. You know my churning thoughts. I ask to know you more so that you would be glorfied in my life. That your love, work and fruit would be manifested in your life in me toward others.

Please reign in me. Whatever the cost.  I am struggling with work. You know that. help. Help me to simply …work hard and be diligent. I need a big dose of get-er-done. Yet let me trust in you for the outcome.

Please give me your love for – (named people). Please take down anything in me that is a barrier of your love in me for these individuals and any others.

Please draw my sons to you. Protect them.

Lord. I did it. I sent the message. I acted. I now think that it may be less about the message or even that I heard you well …than it is that I obeyed you. Protect those who receive it. Jesus …unity. Do not let me be a cause of disunity. I could not bear that but I am so capable of that.

Thoughts of Thanks:

• Thank you for a great experience volunteering at Alaska womens run. It was really good. There is something there to see ..to apply.  This was a ‘third place’. It makes the third place conversation make sense.
• Thank you for garage sale. The goals was accomplished: Noah kept busy and I was able to have a great conversation with the new neighbors. We may have a street potluck in July. We did not sell jack ..but who cares.
• Thank you for receiving the invite to speak at Pastor Marks departing celebration dinner. I needed that…to have to sit down for several hours and truly meditate on the impact Mark has had on my life and others. I have been so deeply delved into my ‘churchdom’ ideologies that I lost track of how you have used Mark and CCC to impact me..towards you. And what I said up front seemed to be well recieved. You know I do like to excercise that gift of speaking. I like to use the humor you have given me to glorify you. Can I have more? ..in a way that glorifies you?  I do not want it if it only feeds my ego. That would be meaningless.
• Thank you for the motorcyle loaner. We are giving it up today but it was enjoyable.
• Thank you for the people who came up to talk to me on Sunday. You know my tug of war with Sunday church. I love it and indeed it seems I hate it. I have not been able to resolve that yet. I love you and your people ..or do I really?
• Thank you for Noah’s friends.
• Thank you for Trevor Martin using Micah on his work. That is just really cool and a big answer to prayer.  I have come to admire Trevor ..not just because of his capability but I think because he considers me to be a friend. I am not an easy friend to keep. I think I fall really short on being a friend to others. Those who still call me friend after knowing me ..I must cherish. I cannot afford to lose the few.
• Thank you for mom calling with good news about Paul. Give me grace on how she communicates it :).
• Thank your for messy group and Erika to bounce my churchdom-isms off of.
• Thank you for Renee. Thank you for the growth in our love in marriage. Bind us to you. Let us end well together.
• Thank you for kitchen remodel. Give me perseverence ..and cash 🙂 ..use it to draw all involved toward you. Anything else is pointless. I don’t want to spend a dime if it does not give you glory.
• Thank you for Noah ..and time at starbucks. I do enjoy that kid. Establish the work of his hands. Protect him…please Lord.
• Thanks for Scott. ..Bob ..Kellers …
• Thank you for blogging. It’s kind of cool. Let it give you glory. Anything less is pointless.

Lord ..the world..the pain.. the evil ..the lostness. How am I to live in this? Give me your burden for the world. Show me what that means and how is it to be manifested in my life. Do not let me waste my life. Lord – I must finish well. It seems like I am not ..and must admit I wonder if I have yet to matter. Do not leave me in this place. Do not let me be satisfied.  It seems impossible to be Christ to the world. Transform me. I surrender all. I confess my propensity for idolatry. I surrender that propensity to you. Bust it up. Whatever it takes. Teach me to love others with your love. I have glimpses of that. Still too much … other stuff clouding my path. I give you the stuff. Bust it up.

I do so look forward to what is to come. I want it now. I think that’s ok. To glimpse it ..to hope for it ..and not want it now ..would be stupid. How can one glimpse the next life and not grow weary of this life? I am not yet able to live to Paul’s words: ‘To live is Christ, to die is gain’. I get the gain part. The living I have not figured out.

Lord … please watch over Paul. I do miss him so. Establish the work of his hands. Thankyou. As I see my love for him It gives me a glimpse of your love.

I am aware more of late that I do no listen for, recognize or speak to your voice in me. Teach me Lord to speak. Let loose the contagion of you in me.

 Jesus. You rock dude. You are awesome. I must know you more.

 ..end today’s blog.