It’s been a long day. That all too familiar heavy burdensome angst was present today. ..all day. Fear. It was difficult to work today.
Yet I have had a thought in the midst of the angst that I want to capture. I am more aware of late of thoughts in me that occur when I am speaking to someone. These are thoughts of words to say that would, if spoken, share my faith in these conversations. I am aware as I think about it that I hold back. Worse I am aware that I actually do not simply acknowledge my faith. These are not awkward ‘4 spiritual law’ throw the bible at people moments. They are opportunities to naturally acknowledge my faith ..Jesus.
The last was just a few minutes ago. I have a silver wedding ring with a cross engraved in it. The client I was meeting with said she really liked my ring and had been observing it. It’s seems trivial perhaps but I felt a pause ..a hold back ..rather than taking opportunity and naturally simply stating, “yes it reflects my love for my wife and for Christ”. These are moments of denial. I need to acknowledge that. I have been aware of more of these this week in particular.
I wonder of myself. Why do I not want to express my faith? Why does it not just flow out of me? I’m not sure I want the answer to that. Yet I do.
I am making a commitment here to try to capture these ‘promptings’ (I believe that’s what they are) as they come to mind. When I am aware that I did nothing with them – I will repent and accept grace but also in prayer express longed for obedience and plea for another chance. Behavior follows action.
I want to be a person who has a contagious flame of faith emanating from me. Just words so far. I do not want to speak up and proclaim Jesus as a ‘must-do’. I want it to flow out of me because I cannot do otherwise. To be an unstopable contagion. To so cherish what is in me that I must share it. Why is that not already the case? I do not like this line of questioning. It pulls back the covers.
Off to Church budget presentation. Angst I cannot express on Church. It weighs very heavily on me. I want the love of Christ to flow out of me even when I do not agree. I feel the prophetic voice in me pulled toward the flesh …and condemnation..yet I must learn to speak from the promptings. To do so in the Spirit and in love seems too far way. It leaves me wondering sometimes if the majority of my thoughts are not born of flesh. Even the ones that seem right. Why is this so difficult?
Desperate Pursuit 