Day 33 – Thoughts and Ponderings

Yesterday and today were hard days. I guess maybe weekends will be more difficult as I have more down time at home. Time to remember. Time to think. I was struck hard again by the harsh thoughts of Micah never actually coming home again. I can’t bear that. The thought of it makes me angry and sorrowful. Every where I turned seemed to be a memory of Micah. Even little things ..like sending an email to the family but immediately aware that I had not and would not need to include Micah’s email. Ahh!

I often will write the families names in my prayer Journal ..Renee, Paul, Micah, Noah. I’ve been pausing on Micah’s name ..not quite knowing what to do. Saddened. I’ve decided now to keep including him. I even decided it’s ok and appropriate to keep praying for him. That’s a new kind of thinking ..praying for loved one’s now gone but believed to be eternally alive ..and doing stuff. Think on that…pretty wild.
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This weekend seemed unexpectedly difficult. I guess I thought I was settling in to a stable churning. But I guess I should expect waves ..ebbs and flows. It’s only been 4 weeks.

Friday I booked the summer cabin in the ‘Alaskan wild’ where we intend to spread Micah’s ashes in the spring. That was hard. It is a strange thing to prepare for, to talk about, to think about, to write about. We have left details for later. The weekend is booked. That’s all that matters for now. I booked one weekend in early summer and one in late. I love the area, the quiet and the beauty. Micah, Renee and I walked with our dog in that area together on Micah’s 18th birthday. The dog is gone too now.

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I am aware of a wide and seemly perpetual spectrum of opposing thoughts. It is a whirlwind of intense churning I cannot begin to express. It’s hard to explain. Good thoughts, happy memories, righteous anger, anger not righteous at all, guilt, love, hope, discouragement, what if’s, if only’s, denials, surrender, refusal to surrender, quiet.

I am aware of an increased desire to work out…to eat healthy…to make good choices. Desire and reality are two different things of course. We shall see. I even fasted one day this week. I don’t think I have ever successfully fasted for even a day before. Yet I am also aware of old temptations swirling louder. Escape from the blanket of sorrow is appealing – whatever the mechanism.

historically I am prone to depressive negative thinking. Given the circumstances I am appalled and disgusted by negative thoughts. There is a threshold now upon which I shall never tread. I cannot escape the thought of nor can I presently bear the burden of how my own negativity may have impacted Micah. I shall stuff that thread in a hole for now. I now more than ever keen on deffining clearly and sharing definatively – hope, love, joy, peace – in the midst of any circumstance. Raise your eyes up and out.

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There is a desire to be happy and guilt for having even an inkling of happiness being felt. Enjoying a moment with the family or laughter with coworkers – feels desperately good, even refreshing -and wrong.

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I woke up angry Saturday after staying in bed until late morning. I did not sleep much. I planned to go work out ..but could not find my warm ups. I had a hissy fit tossing clothes, cussing and hollering. Stupid. Silly.
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Noah and I met at sleepy dog to kick off a new joint endeavor. We asked our Church if they would allow us to give the message on a Sunday in January. The church readily agreed. We know we are crazy. But we have done this before. ..four years ago. Noah was only 14. A lot has changed. As was the case then, the basic premise is for two guys, father and son, to share what it means to be followers of Jesus. The church family needs mutual authentic visibility. Noah and I both want to do this. Perhaps now for different reasons. I’m not sure. For me is the basic premise – that if I claim to have real faith …if I claim to truly believe what I say I do – then it should be real now more than ever. And if it is true, then now is the time to allow our extended family to see into our lives as we walk with our faith in the midst of our mess. Now is the time to reflect Christ ..or at least to share a glimpse of the battle within. Still ..we are crazy.

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The dichotomy and the hypocrisy of my Saturday does not escape me. One moment I am cursing while looking for my warm-ups and the next planning a message for a Sunday service. That’s the mess I am. Only grace covers the gap.
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I hung up a square plywood board in the basement that Micah’s construction coworkers had made for his celebration of life service. We have put some of his pictures on it. More churning as I read some of the notes others had left and looked at Micah’s pictures.
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We went to church today – the first time since Micah’s service. It was good and it was not. I kept thinking of Micah running up and down the halls, sitting next to me, serving coffee….

We came in late and left early. Renee and I both appreciate all the well wishing but we also are emotionally edgy and I think both not wanting the next hug to push us too far. But it was good to be there.
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The four of us went out for breakfast this morning. Good times. Good laughter. Admittedly I am so quickly drawn to tears as I think of Micah’s absence. Not sobbing… just aware of tears forming. I’m just allowing for that. I think Jesus knew this kind of sorrow and pain.

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Paul came over late Saturday night and stayed the night. I so love having him around. He has been so good to me. He calls me nearly everyday just to say hello.

I am not a panic prone person. But I am aware of a hypersensitivity right now. I need to know where the boys and Renee are. I need to know they are ok.
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I will intentional end with some thoughts of thanks:
I am thankful for
Renee, Paul and Noah. More than ever.
A good job and a great team to work with.
Good friends. So many have been so good to us.
Faith. God’s love, provision. The comfort and assurance of His word.
Humor, laughter.
Fires in the fire place. Lots of em.
Christmas lights (I put up our house lights ..earlier in the season than ever before as I did not want any of us coming home to a dark house. Now now).
Long drives
Alaska winter sunsets. Beautiful.
Kind words, texts, emails, hugs.
The peeps.