Kairos Hurdles

Thanksgiving: We had a good Thanks giving. A few friends came over …and brought food. We did not sit around the table. In part I think because we did not want to bring attention to the empty place at the table. We just relaxed, watched football and ate. Renee and I were kind of joking that we thought the Lord was instrumental in the Seahawks win – just so we would have a lighter and more enjoyable Thanksgiving :).  Devine providence or not – we were indeed grateful for a lighter and enjoyable day. We really needed that.  I know Micah would have enjoyed the food and football watching.

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Micah Memories: I remember something Micah had said to me in recent weeks before his death (I struggle with referring to Micah in the past tense. I just don’t like to).  I had shared a quote with Micah from something I had read. It went something like, “If you want to make a congregation mad – preach a message about works. But if you really want to make them mad – preach a message on Grace”. I think we were talking about how hard it is to really accept even the concept of God’s full-on unconditional grace.  ..and that even thinking about accepting total grace has a way of…ticking us off.  I could tell Micah was really thinking about it and then he said, “you always give me stuff to think about”.  That is a difficult memory. I now am realizing how much I want to keep all my memories about Micah. Thinking of loosing memories of Micah – leaves me in tears. I so wish I could hear his voice again.

Paul is planning to move back in with us for a season. I’m looking forward to having him at home. We are getting Micah’s old room repainted and ready for Paul. Micah had moved out some time ago but we simply had not gotten around to getting his room ready for use again. Renee and I figured 4 days over Thanksgiving would be more than enough. Not so much it seems. Every handling of Micah’s things is difficult and brings up churning heart ache. Yet we also feel it is important to have the full use of this room. We want life in this room. ..we must enable living a full abundant life.  Even the room itself ..is one that Micah and I had fixed up for him. I have a picture of Micah and Renee in that room just after we finished it. In the picture, Renee is bald as she was in the middle of cancer treatment. Even then we were moving forward with living while in the battle for life. Renee set the example.  It is important to let battles and memories support life living and not discourage life living. But that is not easy.

Friends have offered to make a memory quilt from some of Micah’s stuff. We love the idea. Yet I hesitate to let go of anything of Micah’s ….even his coat. I’m not a keeper of things typically. This is different. At least for now. The beloved quilters have told us the offer stands whenever we are ready. Thank  you.

Kairos Hurdles: You may not be familiar with the concept of Kairos. Over the last few years my ‘desperate pursuit of Jesus’ journey has led me to learn more about processing ‘Kairos Moments’. A Kairos moment is one in which the Spirit brings something to mind. It may be a lyric in a song that touches our soul. It may be the word of a friend speaking into our challenges. It can be as simply as a sunset enjoyed, a motorcycle ride, or stroking my son’s hair… it may be a memory or event that hits close to home. In my case- today- it most certainly is a 45 caliber bullet ending my son’s life.

I guess I should apologize for my bluntness … but I’m not messing around here. There is no tip toeing around this. It does not get any more real. Before all this I had already come to believe that learning from the Kairos moments in your life – is necessary to walking in faith. If it is not true now ..then it never was or ever will be.

In contrast, not processing life experiences (Kairos) leaves you with just experiences …not learning. I heard a speaker today say that the world is full of people with ‘life experiences’ but that lots of people with life experience – are also idiots. It struck me as funny at the time but it hit some chords as well. You have to be deliberate about processing life experiences (or Kairos moments). Just having life experiences does not mean you have learned from them.

It’s no surprise, I think, to anyone that I am dealing with guilt and a litany of associated ugly off–shoots …should haves, what ifs, should not haves, etc, etc, etc. Significant, painful, sleepless nights of churning abound. Renee is my witness to nightly tossing and turning.

Yet, I struggle when I hear well-meaning people say something to the extent of, “you were a good father, you did the best you could do” (i.e. it’s not your fault, don’t feel guilty). I don’t think so friends. On my very best day I have not done the best I could do. I have made mistakes …every day of my life. My mistakes had an impact on Micah and still have an impact on those close to me. Before you throttle back on this comment – listen to me: Learning from life experiences requires a process. This does not negate full-on unconditional grace. Thank God.

Accepting forgiveness, grace, mercy …all that stuff is distinctly different from processing guilt, fault and failure and all the other ugly stuff we want to just wave off. You cannot just wave it off. I cannot. I will not. Honoring my sons lives (all 3 of them) requires that. Seeking the lord in the most painful of Kairos moments … must be pursued. There’s a reason I refer to it as a desperate pursuit. Do we not think Jesus was in desperate pursuit when he asked his disciples to pray for him as he knew the cross was coming upon him imminently?

I know it will be a long and probably often revisited process…whatever the outcome but the Kairos churning & learning must go on.

Jesus help me… I am weak and desperate.  I miss my son ever so much.