Elusive Rhythms

I’m struggling to write the last few weeks. I think in part because I feel like I want to have better ‘battling in the thick of it” stories than I do. I want to have heart felt moments or scripture studied and read that is making handling of all of this better.  I want to know I am encouraging others and helping my family. There is some of that but life is still jumbled and disconnected. My own sin and self-obsession is all too evident.

It is not all sorrow. Nor do I want it to be. I love joking with others. I cherish humor. I love to see Renee, Paul and Noah – doing stuff. I love our fires, chats, movies, cat chasing, meals and just being together.

I know I keep saying this. But the pain of Micah’s absence seems to grow. It’s at least different with each passing week. We had printed a lot of Micah’s pictures for his service. At one point I put most of them downstairs as the presence of so many pictures was too much. But this week I’ve gotten some of them out again. I just want to see him. ..to be reminded of him. I want frequent cause to remember him. I cry more when I do.

Weekends are still the worst. So I churn and write…

Christmas: We have discussed on several occasions what we want to do for Christmas this year. No earth shattering changes.

We usually have decorations out by this time. But we have yet to get most of them out. I don’t think we will. The desire is just not there. The boys are all older and Christmas was already changing with age and normal maturity. The change is different now of course. I think we all want a simple Christmas. I think we are ok with that.

Renee did buy a Norfolk pine-in-a-pot and put some lights around it. It looks nice. We may put out the stockings ..Micah’s included. I found a nativity set I had in bought in Chicago last year and put that on the mantle. I then promptly dropped one of wise men. I think we have found all the pieces but he is currently not himself.

We have talked about an annual Christmas toast with memories and thoughts of Micah. We want him to be a part of whatever we do. Still ..it’s hard. I’m feeling it more than I thought I would as Christmas approaches. Christmas has always been a big deal for us on the whole. Lot’s of good memories. I’m glad for that.

Struggling Perspective (others). I am aware everyday – that we are not alone in our struggles and sorrows. Every one struggles. Many trials and tribulations of others are as great or greater and so much more difficult. I do not want to get lost in my own self-obsession. I feel very strongly about that and do not want to forget about the struggles of others; friends, family, local community, nation, world – near and far. I do not want to be unaware of nor isolate myself from the daily struggles of others. That seems even more important now. Paul has mentioned several things to do for others at Christmas.

Cake Walk? There is in fact a strange reality that I am aware of: Micah left us quickly and without warning. There was no lingering illness or expensive medical bills. There is nearly nothing more to do. Micah is just gone. It is a sudden emptiness. From a logistical impact perspective .. I have made the sarcastic statement that it is ‘a cake walk’. That is a strange thing to say and I don’t really mean that but the sudden emptiness it is part of our reality perspective. The loss of presence – past, current and future impact is none-the-less … harsh and beyond significant.

Walking in the midst of the mess: Before all this I claimed to have a life of ‘walking in the midst of the mess’. It was kind of my “spiritual director” calling card. I had issues and life challenges before (don’t we all). I was an imperfect father before all this. Now I’m more aware of my imperfections. That is not meant as a statement of guilt or fault or blame. It’s just fact. Noah and I were kind of joking about this. I was a wacky nut before all this. Now I’m a wack job – with more stress. We laughed …perhaps uncomfortably… at the reality of that.

Red-Dot Reality Check: I have a thing I often do. I stole it from author and counselor, Larry Crabb. I call it the red-dot reality check. The reference is to the “you are here” red-dots on the signs in the mall (i.e. where are you relative to where you should be or want to be?). The red-dot reality check is to ask yourself, “where on my spiritual walk am I – relative to where I believe God wants me to be” – and then identifying the path to get there. It is analogous to ‘observe, reflect, discuss’ learning circle I’ve mentioned in the past.

However my red-dot map is currently steamed over. The path is not clear. All I know to do right now is to keep checking the compass ..and try to move toward true North.

Paul is Back. Paul moved back into the house last week. It’s really good to have him home. I hope he can tolerate me. He moved into Micah’s old bedroom. We cleaned and repainted the bedroom. It took longer than we expected. Packing or relocating Micah’s things slowed us down… a lot. Paul had to hang with us more than he planned I think to help move us along. Paul has built some awesome computer apparatuses. His color changing keyboard is particularly cool. In the end we just repainted the bedroom the same colors. Micah had picked out those colors. It’s good to have Paul settled in. To my surprise he has been getting up on most mornings to have 6:30 am coffee with Noah and I. Good sipping.

Renee and I have shared more tears. Different things remind us of Micah.

I found Micah’s bible in the stuff we brought home from his apartment. It was a gift from me. I gave it to him in 2010 in Coos Bay Oregon. I wrote the inscription on the cover page. I remember he had come by the house in the last year and specifically looked for it to take it home with him. It sits next to my reading chair. So far I can’t hold it without tears.

Family Dog. Paul loves animals. We lost our long time family dog in August. Paul is now searching for a new family dog for us. However it has taken us some time to convince mom. She claims she always ends up being the one to take care of the animals. Don’t know where she gets those crazy ideas (I can feel the stare as I write this). Regardless, Paul tells us it has to be a rescue dog. He is unwavering on that. Yes, we do have a cat but …no matter how you shake it …it’s still a cat.

Elusive Rhythms: What am I doing to cope? There is really no simply answer to that. It’s too early still. I am seeking healthy rhythm. Finding and keeping a healthy rhythm has always been a challenge. More so now. I am wanting more healthy eating and exercise rhythm than I‘m actually realizing (naturally J)..but I think about it a lot. Such is the story of my life. I press on … and sometimes pedal.

I am a churning thinker. I’m allowing for more of that than ever. I do a lot of sitting and thinking. Most often in our living room ..in my reading chair. Sometimes this is healthy and sometimes ..maybe not. But I like the down time right now. I have set up my schedule through mid January to have Friday’s off in addition to normal Holidays. I want to have more time to seek the Lord, work on healthy  rhythms ..and prepare for the January 11th gig with Noah. We are still meeting at least twice a week. He still carry’s the mood and is the primary on assuring we meet. But we are having some good discourse. ..and I have beaten him at chess 3 times in a row.

I listen to a lot podcasts (Tim Keller) and daily 10 minute devotional podcast from an organization I like (3DM). I typically have them playing all night long. I read psalms. The Psalms are prayers and as such I know the spirit is praying for me as I pray the psalms.

I journal. Mostly a bit of scribbling here and there. ..and some blogging.

Not reading books much. I have been a kindle reading nut for many years. But I can’t read much right now. A friend who had been through similar circumstances told me the same. Still it surprises me. Normally I love to read. I think I’m starting to warm up a bit.

Holy Curiosity. I meet occasionally with just one or two others. Mostly I talk with Renee and the boys. Admittedly I don’t want to talk with others much. Yet I do …but I don’t. In part I don’t want to get together just for the purpose of ‘my talking about my problems’. It feels unnatural and pressured. Those limited few (ok …just one really) I do talk with are primarily trusted friends that understand the concept of “mutual Holy curiosity”. Effectively this is where you enter every conversation with the understanding that God intends to use the other person to speak to you as much as (if not more so than) He also intends to use you to speak to them and you begin to listen with a belief in your own intended divine weight of impact in the midst of – and also being aware of – your own sin, struggles, weakness and self-obsession.

I find professional counselors to often be the last to grasp this or exercise it. Clearly, this is a pet peeve of mine. I’ve spent years studying this topic. Having said that …I do know that I do have more trusted friends around who could handle this. I just have not opened the door to them… yet. I talk big but in the end I struggle with opening up as much as anyone.

I do have one trusted ‘professional counselor’ and I speak to him on a rare occasion. But even he also knows that booking his time always irritates a part of me as well. The church family (or spiritual friends) are intended to fill this space and not ‘professional listeners’. The modern church in the Western world has devolved in this regard. Having said that … I also recognize and confess my own propensity to be a recluse and to not open up to others. My own sin and self-obsession blocks the path.

I read the word. I’m not very disciplined about it. I often read what others reference in notes and communication …but with thirst. I read what comes to mind. It’s sporadic but usually at least daily. I often read the daily Moravian texts.

All of Acts, All of Micah (I identified Micah 6:8 for Micah before he was born ..now I guess it’s my life verse).

Psalm 116 …The cords of death entangled me,… ⁴ Then I called on the name of the Lord:    “Lord, save me!”.. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people….

Psalm 27… One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. … Though my father and mother (and son) forsake me,    the Lord will receive me…. I remain confident of this:    I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Psalm 143 ..Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. ⁹ Rescue me from my enemies, Lord, for I hide myself in you.¹⁰ Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground…

Weirdness -Talking of family and kids with others: Normally in the past I would talk often and frequently of my kids and inquire with others about their families. We parents like to do that. But now I find myself hesitating because discussing my family now has qualifiers and caveats. Still sometimes I just naturally do talk of family but the talk seems to frequently turn awkward. If I mention something about ‘my son’ ..you can feel the unsaid thoughts (which son is he talking about?). I hate the qualifiers, caveats and hesitations. No one is at fault. There is no one to blame. It’s just something we have to learn to get through.

Fences with Gates: Healthy boundaries are necessary to maintain good relational health. In particular when your own defenses are down. This is not news but it’s good to be reminded of. Some trusted advisors have helped us remember this of late. The actions of a few others also help us remember and encourages us to set healthy boundaries when needed. The ones that stand out are the few who want you to let them help you in just the manner they think you should allow them to help you and if you don’t then they become offended because you have not allowed them to help you in your crisis as they think you should – and in their offense make sure you are aware of their disappointment in your behavior toward them during your crisis. It’s a mouthful but it really happens.

The real challenge of course is to set healthy boundaries – or fences with gates – and respond with love. Easier said than done. Fortunately there is little to no chance of offending any of the offenders noted with the statements I’m writing here … simply because those individuals will seldom be able to see or be willing to acknowledge it in themselves and as such will likely never be faced with admitting a possible problem with their “expectations of how you should let them help you in their way during your crisis”.

Loving well …can be such a hard thing amongst us. I know that I struggle do so. Setting “fences with gates” boundaries is necessary to maintain your own relational health – but cannot be used with any intent to change the behavior of others.

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Meanderings:

Tripe. Things that once seemed enjoyable and meaningful – but are not.

The formulas are all broken. A+B does not equal C.

Desire for hope. Intense. Desire to know the basis of hope and be able to share that effectively with – anyone at any time. If only I could have given more of  that to Micah.

Love for Noah. I love it when he comes in the door humming a tune. I love it when he flips his mom’s pony tail …knowing the ramifications may be painful. I enjoy his hugs and humor.

Noah hates my channel surfing… so of late we watch Netflix series ‘Arrow’ together. The agreement is that we must be together to watch arrow. Billionaire kid with a green hood, cool gadgets, lots of action and arrows. Renee claims it is confusing.

Love for Paul. I love his natural love for animals. I love his care for people. I love to see his passion for different things (computers, weird movies and books ..n stuff). I enjoy his hugs. I hope he finds us a dog.

Love for Renee. As one of her self-defense students said to her recently (which she took as a compliment), “Mrs Hammett you are both intimidating and fun”. While the wee little woman does not usually intimidate me …the statement describes her well: Beautiful, soft of heart, kind, self-sacrificing but passionate tough and ever so determined.

End

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Imagine this, “A Spherical Cow” (Noah ..are  you reading this?)